Men and Women

ON MEN

A man is like a phonograph with half a dozen records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit at the table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor. - George Bernard Shaw

I like men to behave like men - strong and childish. - Francoise Sagan

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest. - Roseanne Barr

Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands. - Jayne Mansfield

Nancy Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”

Sir Winston Churchill: “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

The trouble with Ian is that he gets off with women because he can’t get on with them. - Rosamond Lehmann

Men fantasise about being in bed with two women. Women fantasise about it too because at least they’ll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep. - Anon

Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say, and everything they do. - Anon

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. - H. L. Mencken

The majority of husbands remind me of an orang-utan trying to play the violin. - Honore de Balzac

A husband is what’s left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. - Germaine de Stael

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same. - Anon

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. - Mae West

ON WOMEN

Women are like elephants to me — I like to look at ‘em, but I would not want to own one. - W. C. Fields

A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on. - Oscar Wilde

There’s nothing so similar to one poodle dog as another poodle dog, and that goes for women too. - Pablo Picasso

I hate women because they always know where things are. - James Thurber

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Sir Winston Churchill

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx

Most women are not so young as they are painted. - Max Beerbohm

A woman will always sacrifice herself if you give her the opportunity. It’s her favourite form of self-indulgence. - W. Somerset Maugham

Women have a wonderful sense of right and wrong, but little sense of right and left. - Don Herold

On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women. - H. L. Mencken

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you. - Jean Rostand

Nature intended women to be our slaves ... they are our property; we are not theirs. They belong to us, just as a tree that bears fruit belongs to a gardener. What a mad idea to demand equality for women! Women are nothing but machines for producing children. - Napoleon Bonaparte